I just wanted to get a glimpse of her. Nothing more. Just a little glimpse. I wanted to know who she was. Why everyone was talking about her? Why was she so interesting? I had to know. I couldn’t stop myself. It was like stepping into a wall again and again and trying to peer through to the other side. I tried and tried, but she wouldn’t appear and I never saw her.
And then she died.
And then I was desperate.
This fire inside me wouldn’t stop. She was dead but my body wanted to know. To be sure. To feel safe. Where is she? Why is she dead?
The fire is burning inside me and never stopping. Keeping me up at night. Urging me to search even if she is dead. What now? I scream. What now? What shall I do? What can I do! Stop. She is dead. SHE is DEAD! I couldn’t stop myself. I was pushing into every corner to see a face, eyes, ears or even a finger. But nothing appeared. And the fire. The fire never ending.
I was desperate. Tired. Unmoving. And yet I was looking everywhere. Aware of every movement. Aware of even the slightest sigh. But nothing was there. And I looking everywhere. Who was I searching for? Who knew? I didn’t know! I didn’t know and even then I knew. I was seeing everybody. Looking into every face. Trying to get hold of her eyes. They said they were blue. But they were not. I knew. They had every color a person could have. She had not only blue eyes. She had green and grey and honey brown and chestnut brown and acorn brown and mahogany and red and black. The deepest black ever found. Everybody didn’t know and I was the only one who knew.
But I hadn’t seen her. Oh God what am I to do with myself. Desperate. The fire still burning. I didn’t know! Love? Passion? Desire? Hatred? Malice? I didn’t and I didn’t care and no one knew and she didn’t know.
And then she was there. Everything was white and yet the fire inside me burned red. Red? I didn’t care and she was there and her eyes were no color I knew of. No color I could name. No color I could be sure to say right. And she was glimmering. And I was not right. I was far away from myself and yet I was still there. She didn’t look at me and I didn’t know how I knew that it was her and not another girl. She could be everyone. She could be my mother. She could be my sister or my grandma. And I wouldn’t know. Because I didn’t know why I wanted to see her. To look at her. Marvel. Look. Peer. See. Gaze. Stare. Glare. Gape. Gawp. Gawk. Glower. I didn’t know. And I didn’t care.
I was nothing at all. I was nothing imaginable. And what was I doing here? And what and who was I? And why was I standing there looking at a girl not my age. Why was I standing and looking at her trying to decipher her. See what she would say. Why was I so desperate.
The fire again. The fire more intense than ever. Burning my body and leaving ashes and my soul. Waiting for someone and no one at all. What was all this? What could this be? Where was I? How could I be here? Help me somebody. I couldn’t remember and still the fire was burning, urging me to continue. To try. But to what I didn’t know. Was I to forget? Remember? Dissolve? Disappear? Feel nothing? I didn’t know.
The fire. Every time my eyes landed on her they went on fire. My body. My soul went on fire. Why? Why? What had happened? Oh help me what should I do?
Oh God this is unbelievable. Not good at all. Not good and not bad and it was bad altogether. Why?
How was I to remember? Or forget? How was I to know? Who was I to do that? I was no one. A body and a soul. A human being. Living. Dying. Where to? What to do? I was like the waves washing to the beach and rolling back. Banging into the rocks. Faltering back. Trying again and again and again to come away. To overcome the rocks. The beach. The sand. But nothing happened. I was floating. Dissolving into waves. Going back to water. Trying to break through and not winning. Falling back. Failing. Always failing.
Then I was the moon. Rotating. Endlessly. Not finding any harmony. Close to the Earth. Away again. Close and away. To and back. Always rotating. Not stopping. What was that? What was that? What was I to do?
The grass bowing for the wind and yet singing in high tunes. To who? Who was that they were singing to? For? Who? Intrigued I danced with them. Bowing for the wind and singing. Singing higher and higher until I was the wind itself. And then I was the stars. Exploding. Giving light. Sending. Taking it. Always something. And again I noticed a song. A strong exploding song extending outside into space. Not meeting anything and yet it was there. Higher and higher until everything disappeared and the fire went away and I was alone. Blackness everywhere. Peaceful.
I was peaceful. And I understood. Peaceful and never asking a thing because I knew. Deep down. So I began to sing. Not high tunes and not exploding tunes but soft tunes. A hymn? A song? Something. Always something.